I don't have anywhere else to put this

I'm just going through a rough time. I've struggled with mental health for years but I haven't actually felt this low in a long time. It's hard

To be honest I'm mostly frustrated. I feel like I can't justify feeling this way. It's like, I should be happy and instead I'm just a stupid selfish piece of shit that can't figure out how to appreciate what I have

I always thought that once I was passing these feelings of self deprecation would pass. Now I'm post op for top surgery and it's like I hate myself more than ever. Maybe before having something (top surgery) to look forward to helped. Now everything is just mush

I'm just a huge failure. I really don't have any friends. I'm super awkward. I make people uncomfortable. I'm disgusting. Ugly, gross, and off-putting. People avoid me and I don't even blame them. Going out feels like a chore. It's like I have to pull on a fake skin and faux persona to be presentable, and when the mask slips people are icked. It's fucking killing me

My art is even worse. The only crap I can manage to shit out is stupid fucking furry art. Furries don't even fucking like my art. I managed to be rejected by the community built on accepting rejects. The only furries that want anything to do with me just want easy access pussy

I see some furry artists who table and are guests of honor and they're recognized while suiting and it's like,, god damn, man. I want that so bad. I wanna make fursuits and people love them. I wanna make posts and people comment. I wanna update my website and people notice

My art is so ass I couldn't even get traction on a post advertising an ART GIVEAWAY. I CAN'T EVEN GIVE MY ART AWAY FOR FREE. God

When I was younger things were just different. I had online friends who would hype my art up. I was in closed species communities where people recognized me. I felt known. I feel like people don't even see me anymore. I'm so average. Worse, I'm weird and off-putting. It's torture

You can't even talk about it with anyone or they just tell you to talk to a therapist. Like I tried that for YEARS and all it did was make me feel worse! It was horrible! It's like I'm this freak everyone wants to get rid of but noone knows what to do with. I feel like people hold their breath and suck their teeth waiting for me to leave so they can breathe a sigh of relief.

I've been thinking about killing myself so much it crossed my mind to just cut myself or whatever and get it out of my system. I feel like I'm slipping. Like I'm drowning.

There's nowhere to go, either. Everyone just passes the buck to someone else, till you eventually reach the "we don't have the resources to help you" wall

I just feel like I need a win. I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly being on the grind. I'm tired of thinking of ways to get commissions or make things to sell. I'm tired of spending months working on a website no one will look at. I'm tired of spending so much energy into things that I get no reward from. I just keep giving more and more into an abyss. I'm at the end of the rope. I'm ready to let go

Sigh